It’s not home…..

What can I say, people ask me every day how things are and what can I say? Do I dare tell them how I really feel they are? Do I lie and make it sound more positive? Every day I wake up with a lump in my throat, an ache in my heart, and a simple wish that today will be better than yesterday. I cry, I get angry, I get emotional and have at least two mental breakdowns on the daily. I am human. I am fragile. I am completely overwhelmed and I have no patience for trivial things. Please understand it’s not you, it’s me. I visit my mom and no matter how warm the decor or how nice the people are, fact’s not home. I look around at the other patients and I see lost souls. Alive but not really. A shell of who they once were maybe. I see grown adults act like children. I see lonely seniors that find comfort being around other lonely souls. It’s clean, it’s safe, it’s help but…it’s not home. When did I get so old that I would see the day when this would be happening to my parent and not a grandparent? When did I get so old that I would have to make decisions I’m not mentally old enough to make. When did I get so old that I am almost like a parent to my mom who sometimes acts like a child? When? Why?
I’m exhausted but mostly mentally. When my mind finally feels rested then guilt takes over and I’m back to square one. So you may ask “how is everything”?
And I may say “ok”, but what I’m really saying is…” I don’t know… She is being cared for, being rehabilitated and hopefully going to get stronger…..but the fact is, it’s not home!”


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