Bi-polar? I thought I was just having fun!

No one word can bring such a mix of emotions to me than “summer”. The long,lazy days that spill over into the evenings are what everyone enjoys about summer vacation. I on the other hand have to be very cautious about how I deal with all this extra daylight and time on my hands. Idle hands are the devils playground ya know. I have a condition known as cyclothymia,which is a form of Bi Polar. The summer months, often times than not, bring out my hypo manic side. Sure I’m having a great time and enjoying every minute of it. Sure it brings out my creativitey but it has its downside. When I wasn’t on medication my thoughts would race at the speed of light, with all this thinking I couldn’t sleep so I would write down all my thoughts. Without sleep, my moods were altered. This would go on and on and no one knew what was in my head because my personality is one that never likes to stay still and always have fun. I had to question “is that who I really am or was it my disorder?”
It’s funny because nowadays,everyone is diagnosed with something. Bi polar,Manic Depressive, O.C.D, anger issues blah blah blah. To be honest I really didn’t think I was Bi Polar, I just thought I was having fun. The thing about being bi polar is your moods swing very abnormally. I could be flying high as a kite and before long I’m heading for a massive fall. The highs didnt bother me as much as the lows. Cyclothymia is affected by seasonal changes so summer was my manic high season. I could be up and on the go till I dropped. My judgement was also impaired by my “high”, I was doing and saying things I normally wouldnt do. Who knew tho? I was not going to let this get in the way of having fun. The eye opener was when my husband and I were watching Oprah and she was discussing people with Bi Polar. It was like a light went off in both our heads. Of course I was thinking of someone else who might have it but my husband was like “notice any similarities?” Of course I was defensive about it and it wasnt until early fall that I knew something had to be done.
Shorter daylight hours and not being outside all day meant my moods were going to turn ugly. With the highs,come the lows and Fall was my severe depression time. With therapy and medication I am fine, more than just fine..I’m normal. Sure I have my crazy moments and meltdowns but thats me,not my disorder. The scariest part of this is, once you find the right meds and they work, you feel so good you want to get off them. You start to think, “wow I’m cured, I don’t need any medicine” but thats not the case. Many a time I skipped doses and stopped taking them altogether but then the relapse was bad and I was back to square one. Lesson learned,no more fooling around or so I say. My meds constantly get switched up to balance me out. Currently I am on 3 different medications and so far so good.
Its been 7 years since I was diagnosed and I still have bouts of wanting to stop my meds. I still get a little melancholy in the fall and summer tends to get me a little hyped up. Who knows when I will have my moments but thats all they are..moments. I feel everything you feel, even tho I’m on mood stabilizers, so people have to realize I am not a zombie. My whole life could have been different if only I realized my moods weren’t normal. Friendships, relationships, jobs all jeopardized by my inability to get help. Summer is over but I’m not fearful of the fall because I know how far I’ve come and I can handle it now. Looking back, all the warning signs were there, I just chose to ignore them. I did, however, jot them all down while in my Hypo Manic state and hopefully I will publish my memoirs. Until then, I know nothing makes a person stronger than when they realize they are weak. We all are fragile at some point in our lives, the difference is if we break or not. I will not be broken,not this time, hopefully not ever.


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