Monthly Archives: November 2014

The struggle within

Serenity by definition is
the state or quality of being serene, calm, or tranquil. This is a state I most often am not. I’d like to blame outside forces but mine is strictly internal. I’d like to say I can and will change but as much as I try I can’t control myself.
Courage by definition is the ability and willingness to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation. Everyday I wake and tell myself “confront what hurts you, what scares you” but everyday I am weak. Uncertain. Fearful.
Wisdom by definition is the ability to think and act using knowledge, experience, understanding, common sense, and insight. Wisdom comes with maturity. I would like to think I am wise yet at times I am just as clueless as a child. My head is over run by my heart so wisdom is pushed aside. I am now uncertain of things because feelings cloud my judgement.
So I ask you to remind me every so often these 3 sentences…
God grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And most importantly
Wisdom to know the difference.
3 things…seems easy enough but if I don’t wrap my head around the first word “serenity” I will never have the other two.

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Me

I am a good person. A good friend. A good wife. A good mother. Not perfect,just good enough. I will lend out a hand, a shoulder and sometimes a heart. Problem is, sometimes the very heart I lend out gets hurt in the process. I’m a sensitive person, fragile even. Unfortunately I tend to hurt people when I’m hurt. My words are like knives and go deep,I’m not proud of it but that’s who I am. Some people are good at cooking, sports, arts and crafts but me,I’m good at writing. I can lift you up or tear u down with one swift sentence. My mind is heavy with words dying to be written. My heart is waiting to put all my emotion into it. Now if only my mouth could convey the message I want to project without sounding like a horrible person. So instead I will keep it in until my words,feelings and emotions run down my cheeks only to be wiped away and never to be spoken. This is me. My silence is not acceptance, my silence is merely me not being able to say what I feel for the power of those words will change everything about me. About you. About life. Everything.

Boundaries

Boundaries! Everyone needs them yet not everyone abides by them. Boundaries define who we are and who we are not. They allow us to feel safe within the confines of our personal space. The reason why people can’t get along is the simple fact that some of us don’t respect each other’s boundaries. A boundary isn’t like putting up a wall,it’s not to block someone or something out.
“The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us. It’s important to know that we have a right to protect and defend ourselves. That we have not only the right, but the duty to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us. What u allow is what will continue so make sure you set those boundaries and hold true to them!

Say what you feel, feel what you say

I look around and I am constantly reminded how fragile we as humans really are. This is what I learned to help soften some of the blows we get or give in life. People, Don’t say what you don’t mean. Words are only words until thought and emotion are poured Into them. Even the most powerful words are meaningless if overused and riddled with false truths. “I love you” gets dropped on the daily as if it’s as common as hello or goodbye but it’s not supposed To be common. It’s not a greeting or farewell, it’s an emotion packed word only to be used when one truly feels in their heart the love in “I love you”. Words when used incorrectly are just as harmful and damaging as any weapon. Be careful how u use them. Just remember that Actions speak way louder than words but silence can be deafening!

Bi-polar? I thought I was just having fun!

No one word can bring such a mix of emotions to me than “summer”. The long,lazy days that spill over into the evenings are what everyone enjoys about summer vacation. I on the other hand have to be very cautious about how I deal with all this extra daylight and time on my hands. Idle hands are the devils playground ya know. I have a condition known as cyclothymia,which is a form of Bi Polar. The summer months, often times than not, bring out my hypo manic side. Sure I’m having a great time and enjoying every minute of it. Sure it brings out my creativitey but it has its downside. When I wasn’t on medication my thoughts would race at the speed of light, with all this thinking I couldn’t sleep so I would write down all my thoughts. Without sleep, my moods were altered. This would go on and on and no one knew what was in my head because my personality is one that never likes to stay still and always have fun. I had to question “is that who I really am or was it my disorder?”
It’s funny because nowadays,everyone is diagnosed with something. Bi polar,Manic Depressive, O.C.D, anger issues blah blah blah. To be honest I really didn’t think I was Bi Polar, I just thought I was having fun. The thing about being bi polar is your moods swing very abnormally. I could be flying high as a kite and before long I’m heading for a massive fall. The highs didnt bother me as much as the lows. Cyclothymia is affected by seasonal changes so summer was my manic high season. I could be up and on the go till I dropped. My judgement was also impaired by my “high”, I was doing and saying things I normally wouldnt do. Who knew tho? I was not going to let this get in the way of having fun. The eye opener was when my husband and I were watching Oprah and she was discussing people with Bi Polar. It was like a light went off in both our heads. Of course I was thinking of someone else who might have it but my husband was like “notice any similarities?” Of course I was defensive about it and it wasnt until early fall that I knew something had to be done.
Shorter daylight hours and not being outside all day meant my moods were going to turn ugly. With the highs,come the lows and Fall was my severe depression time. With therapy and medication I am fine, more than just fine..I’m normal. Sure I have my crazy moments and meltdowns but thats me,not my disorder. The scariest part of this is, once you find the right meds and they work, you feel so good you want to get off them. You start to think, “wow I’m cured, I don’t need any medicine” but thats not the case. Many a time I skipped doses and stopped taking them altogether but then the relapse was bad and I was back to square one. Lesson learned,no more fooling around or so I say. My meds constantly get switched up to balance me out. Currently I am on 3 different medications and so far so good.
Its been 7 years since I was diagnosed and I still have bouts of wanting to stop my meds. I still get a little melancholy in the fall and summer tends to get me a little hyped up. Who knows when I will have my moments but thats all they are..moments. I feel everything you feel, even tho I’m on mood stabilizers, so people have to realize I am not a zombie. My whole life could have been different if only I realized my moods weren’t normal. Friendships, relationships, jobs all jeopardized by my inability to get help. Summer is over but I’m not fearful of the fall because I know how far I’ve come and I can handle it now. Looking back, all the warning signs were there, I just chose to ignore them. I did, however, jot them all down while in my Hypo Manic state and hopefully I will publish my memoirs. Until then, I know nothing makes a person stronger than when they realize they are weak. We all are fragile at some point in our lives, the difference is if we break or not. I will not be broken,not this time, hopefully not ever.

Laughter will keep us together

Let me say,after 22 years of being together me and my hubby always kiss hello and goodbye. Always say I love you. Always hold hands, call or text each other funny things. We have plenty of laughter and our kids join in on the insanity. When I’m sick my hubby takes care of the kids,house,food shopping and me. Does that make him less of a man? No that makes him more. He will do anything to make us happy except for the occasional times he makes me want to kill him lol .Our kids will never be afraid to show affection cuz that’s what we do every day. There’s nothing wrong with it. Growing up I would want to vomit if I saw my parents show any affection to each other cuz they rarely did. My kids will always say I love u after every phone call or leaving for school. Are we a perfect family? No! Do we have a perfect marriage? No! What we do have is love,respect and loyalty to each other. Time is precious so don’t waste it not being happy. Remember what you give is what you get so give nothing but wonderful vibes and see how the world looks through the eyes of the one who loves you unconditionally.

In the end, it doesn’t even matter

Life is funny sometimes. From the time we realize we can make a wish and hope for it to come true, we wish our life away. As a child we want to be old enough to cross the street alone. As a teen we cant wait to get our drivers license. As a young adult we cant wait to be of legal age and so on. It never changes, we always want whats not in our grasp. Things always look better when we havent achieved them yet.
I know I have often wished for the years to fly by so certain milestones would come quick. Its all about growing, maturing, and essentially getting older. What we never realize is, that while the years are escaping us and we grow, so does everyone around us. As we wish our lives away, we have to understand that certain people in our lives may not always be here. If there is a twenty or thirty year age gap between you and a special someone, time doesnt just stand still, we all have to face our own mortality.
I never want to live to be a hundred, how sad of the thought of being all alone because you’ve outlived everyone of your generation. I see it as i get older, all the adults I grew up with slowly are passing away. These people have been in my life forever. I watched my mom lose her mother, her husband,all her aunts and uncles and now her best friends. Personally I dont want to think about the future and what it will be like to retire and travel the world, for I know in doing so, alot of my loved ones probably wont be around. I’d like to enjoy the time we have while we still can. Time is a funny thing, its something no one has any control over. Its elusive, its cruel sometimes and its something we all wish we had more of. What I’m trying to say is, be happy in the moment. Cherish each milestone,for with every step we take and every milestone we make, paves our way to our journey through life. There is no prize for rushing it. There is no finish line. In fact once you’ve reached the end, nothing will matter. You’ll have missed out on a life full of exceptional things, if only you took the time to stop and smell the roses instead of wanting something more.