The loss of a mother

There are many losses in life, but The loss of a mother is different than any other I have experienced.

All the preparation in the world never prepares you for the inevitable

First there is the initial shock

Then comes the heartbreak

Every new day,new week,

new month, will be the first of the rest of your life without them

Then comes the heartache

A constant reminder that something In you is broken and can’t be fixed

It’s all you feel, it’s all you think about, whether you realize it or not

Holidays, occasions, milestones

All met without them

Sure I believe in heaven

I know we will be together again but that doesn’t console me now

My heartache is no less

It’s fresh now and I kno in time it will lessen but it will never go away, for that Im certain

Every thought, every emotion builds up until it pours from my eyes burning a path down my cheek.

The days of parental advice

And nurturing we’re gone, replaced by role reversal

We were the nurturers

We were her voice

We took care of her like she did us

She was a shell of who she once was and she was gone way before she left us

I didn’t want to see her like that but I also didn’t want to let go

I think that’s why she hung on so long, I think she knew

Now that she is gone, there is time to do all the things I set aside,

Nothing but time

Yet it’s not the same.

what I wouldn’t give for one more minute, hour, day

The words of Robert Munsch’s “I love you forever” sticks in my mind, no matter how old I will get or how long she is gone….

“ I’ll love you forever,

I’ll like you for always,

As long as I’m living

my Mommy you’ll be.”

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It’s been a long time since I wrote, especially about my BiPolar but I felt like writing out loud. One thing I truly hate about being bipolar is the constant conversations I have all day and nite. Not with people mind you but with myself. Not that I’m hearing voices or anything, just always thinking. Thinking about what to say, what I said, what I didn’t say. Rehashing the day preparing for tomorrow. Making plans in my head and making excuses why I can’t do something. It’s exhausting. Am I crazy? No. It’s just my mind is never at rest. Ever! Some nites I try to sleep but all these thoughts and visuals come to me. I love writing so that’s what I do. Write it all down in case it’s something worthwhile. I’m always mentally preparing for something. Now my mind is all over. Work. Home and constant worrying over my Mom. Being your parents advocate is exhausting in itself. Everyday I’m there I have to remind myself don’t flip out on them cuz what if they take it out on mom? Every nite when I’m home all the days things replay over in my mind. Did I handle it right? Did I do enough? I’m tired. I just want to not repeat myself every single day then hear it all over again in in my head. If anyone knew how close they were to me restraining myself from ripping their head off they would proceed with caution. So if u see me resting my eyes or zoning out it’s not because I don’t feel like talking, I just did a lot of it in my head. If u see me overly bubbly or talkative or very personable it probably means I’m just trying to quiet my thoughts and forget myself in idle chit chat. Something I love to do especially if I’m down, stressed or overwhelmed. Anyways this is what it’s like to be bipolar sometimes, even with the right meds.

A mothers wish

Sometimes we forget our children are still children. They want to be called young adults and act like they know it all but deep down they are still the babies we brought home. My son was going through this hard teenage years where I knew nothing and was an annoyance. I looked in his eyes and I saw a stranger. Someone who didn’t need me anymore. I longed for the days when they were young. The days I didn’t treasure cuz it was always hurry up u have to go to school or mommy has work or go play and I’ll play later with u. A lot of times those “laters” became more frequent I’m embarrassed to say. That song “cats in the cradle” is so spot on. Days turn into months. Months into years and so on. So here I am, Wondering if I’ll ever be needed again. Now fast forward to Christian getting ill. He carried on how much pain he was in but if u knew him, he’s full of drama. Then he reached for my hand and I helped him walk. When he was yelling “help me” in the hospital my heart broke and I didn’t see that angry teen (although he was nasty cuz of the pain) I saw my baby again. Walking him around the hospital holding his hand to be steady was such a wonderful feeling. My boy needed me again. Here he was vulnerable and scared. Although I’m not as sure he was as scared as us cuz we knew the severity of the situation. On the beach in front of everyone, right there in plain sight he asked if I would hold his hand and help him. The boy who was always worried what people would think,suddenly it didn’t matter anymore. He even held his fathers hand. This teenage boy whose as tall as his older brother and almost as tall as his dad was holding our hands. I tuck him in tonite cuz he wasn’t feeling well and I look at his cherub face without his glasses and right then and there I knew no matter how old or how independent they become, they know they will always need us. This time around I won’t take for granted the moments I threw away cuz life is busy. Nope this time I’m taking it slow and enjoying each moment. Sort of like we are getting to know each other again. Sorry it took something like this to make me realize life is short. Love is forever, learn how to join the two so time can stand still even for a brief moment

@laurism

An open letter from someone that knows all too well

People that suffer with depression or being bipolar do not want to hear “What do u have to be depressed about”? Well, for starters if we knew why or what was causing it then we could fix it. Another question that’s almost always asked…
” Did you stop taking your meds”?? Most of the time the answer is no. A lot of the times the meds stop being as effective as they once were and some of the times people will stop taking their meds. Especially being BiPolar, when you feel good for a long haul automatically your first instinct is “I’m fine,I don’t need my medicine anymore”. Now that’s a dangerous thought & a bad idea.
One statement that can have a adverse reaction is..” You shouldn’t feel this way, you have a lot to be thankful for and so much going for you”. Right there in those words point out, that a “normal person” would be happy about all they have. Now when a mentally exhausted person thinks about that, they feel guilty and ashamed for even feeling the way they do. Yes other people would kill to have what they have. Yes of course they don’t want to upset their family’s with what they are feeling or what they are becoming. The sad truth is, feeling guilty is the last thing anyone wants to feel while they are struggling to keep their head above water…that’s like throwing them an anchor instead of a life jacket. An even sadder truth is depression, Bipolar, being manic, can cost you friends, family and your job. What was once enjoyable and easy is now overwhelming and exhausting. It’s no picnic being around someone like that and having it is like being trapped in a nightmare  sometimes. If you don’t know what to say or do with someone whose having a rough go of it, that’s ok.
Be a shoulder to lean on. An ear to listen. A hand to hold. Just don’t make them feel guilty about how they feel and how they are behaving. They beat themselves up over it any chance they get!

Broken

Is it mourning or is it depression? What’s the difference? Depression is a feeling of severe despondency and dejection, typically also with feelings of inadequacy and guilt. Mourning is a feeling and period of sadness after a loss.

Both consume u yet one will eventually get better.

It’s My mind, it is trying to ruin me. Think happy thoughts, try to smile and then my mind races to a dark place and whispers things I can’t bear to hear. The only release from it streams down my cheeks until I feel the bitter sting and the salty taste. The sun goes down, the sun comes up, another day has begun yet it’s the same as all the days before and all the days to come.

Empty might be the right description Of how I feel. For the true sense of the word,”empty” means to contain nothing; having no value or purpose, for example:

“her life felt empty and meaningless”.

To some up…

Mourning + depression = empty. Nothing. Void. In other words… Exhausted, worn out, done!

Imagine

What is it that no one understands about me? Do u think by going to a doctor that I will be cured? Will I magically behave myself and be the best person I can be? No, it won’t. For a half hour someone will listen to me talk about my feelings and what’s bothering me but that’s not enough time. It brings my emotions to the surface then it’s time to leave. So I bottle it up until we meet again,if we do. In the interim I take my meds,hopefully, and try not to lose my shit. It’s hard. Soo hard. Imagine surrounding yourself with people u love and they love u but sometimes u swear they only tolerate you,that they are waiting to replace you. Imagine feeling like your always on the outside looking in and no one cares. Imagine for a minute your only purpose in the morning is making it through the day without breaking down, hurting yourself or hurting someone else. Imagine for a moment you feel like this every minute of every day…always. Imagine for a moment being me because that’s how it is.

Mourning has broken

Mourning is, in the simplest sense, synonymous with grief over the death of someone…that is it’s definition, however u can mourn over many things. Death of a relationship,death of a friendship, death of who you once were and so on. Death, in meaning whatever life it once brought, no longer exists. Sometimes a person doesn’t have to die in order for u to mourn them, mourn what once was and what will never be. Outside of death, the worst kind of mourning is the loss of someone when they’ve moved on out of your life by choice and has a new life that you will no longer be a part of. When a marriage or relationship fails it doesn’t just affect the parties directly involved, everyone hurts, everyone feels the loss. They go on with their new life, with new people and we sit back and just have memories to hold onto. It’s okay, it’s part of life. It’s part of growth and mourning is the beginning of healing and healing starts with letting go, so go ahead and grieve.